36. honest

I am honest.

And honestly, I can't believe it's been over a month since I wrote my last blog. If I'm being honest I don't know how I let that happen.

I think it's much easier to keep going when you've been going, when you have that momentum behind you, "I've been doing really good keeping up with my blogs for a while, I can't miss a week and break this awesome streak I'm on!" sort of mentality. But I find that once I slip up, once I start to fall behind, the pull of mediocrity becomes so much stronger. "Yeah I'm already a week behind, missing one more day won't add too much more to catch up on anyway, right?" or even worse I find that the thought of blogging doesn't seem to cross my mind since the pattern/habit is becoming weaker and before I know it another week has past, and no blog has been written :/

The first week I missed because I was on my trip which was an absolute whirlwind, start to finish, so not a lot of time to stop and write a blog, although I did get a few ideas popping up that I thought I could write about once I got home. 

When I came back from my trip I caught COVID and I found myself really struggling for energy, I couldn't do that much of anything that week. 

I thought, surely with weeks spent couped up in my room I would have nothing but time to write blogs, but I found myself hard-pressed for anything to write about. I was way too tired to do any sort of training beyond trying to keep my push-ups and sit-ups from slipping, and once my energy started to come back somewhat, I was still staying home from the kwoon so I felt like I wasn't doing anything I could blog about. 

Side note: Now I have an appreciation and greater understanding for how much our physical training impacts our more mental training. (Looking forward I definitely need to work on finding ways to keep the latter maintained even when my physical training starts to slip. After all, most of those non-physical requirements are in place so that we can still do kung fu everyday, even when our bodies aren't up to it)

So to get back on track: busy trip, illness, low energy, and nothing worth writing about. When I phrase it like that, it could maybe sound justifiable and even realistic that I would fall this far behind on my blogs, but if I'm being honest with myself, they are all excuses. I had a 4 hour layover on the way home, and could have written one of those blog ideas I mentioned earlier. Once I got home I could have written a sentence here and there, just as much as I had energy for, and over the whole week I could have gotten one written even though I thought I didn't have the energy to write it all at once. There's never nothing to write about, I have a list of 52 prompts to work on and numerous writing assignments that can be completely detangled from my current training. 

It's easy to justify mediocrity, and it becomes even easier when there's a convenient excuse (mehhh but I was siiick so I couldn't), and it becomes easier and easier to start agreeing with that little voice in your head trying to convince you ~ you're not that far behind, you can take one more day off, it won't make that much more of a difference at this point anyway, you still have time to catch up ~ 

But I think I've had enough of being in this downward slump, so I'm evicting that stupid little voice, I'm not looking at everything I've missed, I'm not going to let that negative momentum drag me any further down. I'm going to grit my teeth and just start getting things done everyday. 

Being back in the kwoon and interacting with everyone, going to open training, and booking one-on-ones has definitely helped get me back on track, but for that last little push I need to start being honest with myself, I am that far behind, I can't take one more day off, it will make a difference.

10/30

(double digits! took me long enough!)