Pre-grading Thought Hurricane

Earlier this week I had a one-on-one discussing some of my thoughts and feelings I was having about grading, but I wanted to make sure my thoughts were coming out how I wanted them to, so in order to minimize the ongoing battle between my brain and my mouth, I wrote out everything I wanted to say the night before. Since I had it written down I figured I would turn it into a blog post so that I could have it saved in a safe place if I ever wanted to come back and read it. I guess this comes at the cost of everyone else being able to see it too, but I'm going to swallow my feelings of venerability (ahhhhh don't read this I feel naked and exposed!!!) and post it anyway. 

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 "I've started to think about how my year has gone, where I am, compared to where I thought I'd be, compared to where I want to be, 

and I started to think about if I thought I was on track to pass this year.

and right away I started to think about all the stuff I still need to do, and all the numbers I'm behind on, but I tried to calm myself down a bit and actually think about it, rather than just respond to the immediate panic that flared up.

and I started to tell myself that I think there's still time to get on track, and that I don't want to arbitrarily say "there's no way I can follow through on all my requirements, so the rest of the year is already a write off" because that makes no sense (like we always say, deadlines are important, but they're also made-up so I know I need to keep working regardless of any timeline or due date) 

but everyday that passes I creep closer and closer to "maybe I physically/temporally, can't get everything done at this point" and I started to think about how I would react if I didn't pass.

my very first though was: "I don't want to feel any resentment or anger or make excuses because I was in control the whole year, so I can only blame myself"

but the next thought was more positive because I started thinking about how much I've grown and learned this year and I started thinking, "if this is how much I changed over this grading year, I wouldn't mind doing another one so I could grow even more" 

So I started thinking about it as a win-win, either I would pass this year and earn my belt, or I wouldn't and then I could learn and grow and change even more next year. 

(but I think this might have also been my brain trying to preemptively protect itself from the disappointment if I found out I didn't pass)

but then (Sifu Brinker) said something in our Sunday meeting that hit me like a punch to the face, and that was "when your students fail you see that as a reflection of yourself, not of them" 

and as soon as I heard that, I clenched my teeth and thought, there's no way I'm not passing this year because I have way too much respect for you to let you down like that. 

I don't want to just carry on how I have been, and feel unbothered whether I pass or fail just because I'm excited at the thought of going through this again, I want to do everything I can to make sure I pass this year, 

So now my thoughts about grading are getting all jumbled up and I just thought I really should talk to you about what I've been thinking and feeling so I could get that 10% of help you talk about. "

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I got some really excellent feedback, the most important of which being that the grading day changes nothing. 

There is no finish line.

Just because you earn a black belt doesn't mean you stop being a student. 

It's just like the I Ho Chuan requirements, as long as you don't quit, nothing can stop you from succeeding.

That's definitely something that I've heard over and over, and though I knew, but had definitely forgotten and hearing it again really helped me start to sort out some of my thoughts. 


(which are now more like light breezes in my brain instead of a full blown hurricane)

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