4. an example

This past Thursday there was a specific string of events that made me come to a realization that was floating under the surface for quite some time, but only just broke to the surface when I was thinking about said events on the way home. 

A) I was teaching a small group of black dragons and found myself absolutely floundering for advice to give them, or what aspect of their form I could focus on to help them the most.

B) I was trying to help Todai Ferris with her spinning back kick, and at the end of the night she asked me to be someone to check in with the progress of her kicks.

B) Todai Bauer came to ask me a question about how I was moving and what my approach was during a certain part of Lau Gar III.

A) Sifu Brinker came up and told me that my rotation was incorrect on that exact same part of the form.


I was feeling this complicated mix of inadequacy and pride depending on if I thought about A or B and was confused as to how it was possible to feel both. I was also trying to tame my ego about B, because I try to stay hyper vigilant about becoming arrogant. But I realized that I wasn't doing anything to tame my ego about A. And that's when the aforementioned realization hit me. 

 Ego goes both ways, you can't think of yourself as being better than you are, but you also can't think of yourself as worse than you are. 

When Todai Ferris asked me to be her "spinning back kick coach" I asked her if she was sure she wanted me, and she replied "I know who I'm asking". In the car I recognized that maybe on some level I was fishing for complements? Like I needed her to reassure me that my kicks weren't as bad as I thought they were? I started to think about how although my kicks aren't where I want them to be, they're not where they used to be either, and I need to recognize that. 

When Todai Bauer asked about Lau Gar III he was asking about a different aspect he thought I could help him with, that was mostly unrelated to the error that Sifu Brinker pointed out. So although I feel like that part of my form is probably the worst (it definitely is after what Sifu told me that night lol) I need to recognize that I am doing Lau Gar III, as a whole, to a much higher level than when I first learned it. 

I try to stay so vigilant about not letting my ego get too big, that I didn't realize I may have started to let it get too small. I need to start recognizing how far I've come and start seeing my ability as it exists in reality, not through the lens of my imposter syndrome. I need to realize that although I still have lots to learn, I am an example. 


12/30

(Side note that feels connected: Sifu talks about being extremely confident, but also extremely humble, and I think I might be starting to understand that more. It all stems from the work you put in (?) You can feel confident because you recognize all the reps you've put in to hone your abilities, and you can see that ability manifesting in reality.  At the same time you can also recognize that you only acquired this skill because of those reps, (i.e. you didn't posses any pre-exiting "talent"))


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