167 hours

Less than one week until grading day. Approximately 167 hours (even less now since it took me so long to write this). 

I've had lots of people in the last little while, friends, family, classmates, other candidates, ask me things like are you ready? getting excited? got everything ready? how're you feeling? But the most persistent question I've been getting asked has been coming from myself,

Do you think you are ready?

Do you think you have earned it?

Do you feel like a Blackbelt?

And they have been some of the most difficult questions in my life to think about, let alone try to answer.

Do I think I'm ready? No, but I don't think there would ever be a time I would answer 'yes' to this question. What is that one quote, “If we wait until we're ready, we'll be waiting for the rest of our lives.” I can think of so many things I need to work on, and fix, and get more reps in, and start … but I need to remind myself that you don't become a blackbelt once you have mastered everything, because mastery is not something you can achieve, it is only something you continually strive for. 

I heard something in this mornings class that really struck me, that "we wouldn't be going through the grading in the first place if they didn't think we were ready for it" and in a class a long while ago that "you guys wouldn't be here right now as second degree brown belts if we didn't think you had earned it." So I'm not sure I could answer that I'm ready, but I can confidently say that I am more ready than I was yesterday, and isn't that what this is all about? Trying to become better than we were the day before?

Do I think I have earned it? This is the question of the hour isn't it, this is a big part of the grading, trying to convince ourselves that we've earned it. Do I think my kung fu is at the highest level it has ever been? (yes) (but what if that isn't high enough?) Do I think I have achieved my goals and requirements outlined in the I Ho Chuan? (yes I have achieved a lot and I am proud of my efforts this year) (but there are a few requirements I have simply failed to complete, both in the absolute numbers, and the spirit of the requirement, and I am disappointed in myself for having come this far and not changing something) 

I think about how I do things like volunteering in the young dragons class and consistently come to open training, that are not requirements for the I Ho Chuan team, or for my grading year, but something I recognize as extremely valuable and I am incredibly grateful to be able to incorporate them into my training. But I also think about how I missed some big events this year like the Kwoon clean up, break-a-thon, and one of my 4 fitness assessments due to sickness or conflicting scheduling and I feel like I let these opportunities slip by me, and that my training has suffered because of that. I'm not sure I could say if I've earned it, but that's what grading day is all about so at least I won't need to wait that long to find out the answer.

Do I feel like a Blackbelt? I'm not sure, I've never been one before so I'm not sure what it's supposed to feel like. It's a bit like when you had a birthday as a kid and your parents would ask you if you "felt 12 yet?" I never knew how to answer that question either. 

In 2021 around when I was deciding if I was going to join the Year of the Tiger team or not, before I even made my blog, I wrote out a word doc titled "What is a Blackbelt?" It started by describing a perfect person "Someone who gets up at 6 am after getting 10 hours of sleep to go for a run, do 100 push-ups, and works on their forms for an hour before they even really start their day. (Someone who) gets everything they planned to do for the day done, lives a healthy, well-balanced life, and contributes to their community. They are able to do these things because they have exceptional discipline, hard work and respect." Later I write "However, the more I thought about this question, the more I realized that that is not actually how I would define a Blackbelt. A Blackbelt is not some perfect superhuman who never makes any mistakes, and never struggles, but someone who does little things everyday to become better than they were yesterday. I know myself, and I will never be that perfect person I initially described, but I do know that I can take it one step at a time, getting better than I was before."

Many of the things I describe that I "need to get better at" I have made great progress on and improved by using the tools given to me as a candidate and as a member of the I Ho Chuan team this year. So do I feel like a Blackbelt? I'm still not sure. I think about all the incredible Blackbelts I see around me, and I try to train my eye for detail, just like when learning a technique from them, on the inside, do I feel like what I see them doing? And maybe , , , I don't think so. But I also understand that everyone's martial arts journey is unique to them, and that eventually when I do become a Blackbelt, I may never feel like them, that I will only ever feel like me. 

In any case, the questions should really be, AM I a blackbelt, and since I'm not an objective party, I have very little business in answering that. But am I on the path to mastery? Absolutely.