Out of Whack

My kung fu has been pretty out of whack for almost all of December. 

In preparation for grading day, my training felt very different than I have come to recognize it this past year. Not necessarily in a bad way, just focusing on different things, and training with different mindsets and intents. It did start to feel a bit detrimental to my overall progress the closer we got to the big day, the stress that I was trying to keep a lid on, and the stagnation I felt in my training. I felt like I shouldn't be looking for new things to work on or fix, I shouldn't be asking the sort of questions I usually do because I wouldn't have time to fix them (which was just as well because the usual questions that seem to pop into my head were nowhere to be found during this time). I needed to focus on polishing the things I already knew until they felt solid, working on small fixes that could make a big difference. Shifting completely from Exploration into Maintenance mode and staying in it. 

I remember thinking "ughhh the nerves are killing me, I can't wait to have finished grading day so I can stop worry about my kung fu, and just get back to doing kung fu again" which really scared me when that thought first popped into my head. Is what I'm doing right now not kung fu? Of course it was, I was training, doing forms, kicks, pushups, still going to classes just the same. 

But looking back and writing this all out, I think it felt that way because I was stuck in 100% Maintenance mode, and to me, kung fu is all about the exploration. The constant questioning "what am I doing right here?" "why am I moving like this?" "should I be moving like this?" "what is my intent here?" "am I achieving it effectively?" "what if it was something else?" That constant shifting of ability and understanding and the pursuit of always going deeper is so much of why I love kung fu.

Then grading day came and went, and I finally felt my muscles unclench after weeks of being taut with nervousness and I felt excited that I could start to pull back from that 100% Maintenance mindset. And then I got sick. All the thought patterns of "keep pushing! no breaks! no mediocrity! strive for your highest level of excellence!" that I had been drilling into my head in preparation for grading day started screaming louder because of the rest I was forced to take since my body did not want to cooperate. I wanted to get back to training so bad and being away from the Kwoon that week made it even worse, and I definitely pushed myself too hard too fast because by not resting I just made the recovery longer, (lesson learned for next time hopefully). 

Then Christmas hit and I was away from the Kwoon once again. This is my first holiday season really taking my training seriously so it was interesting navigating this hectic time of the year with that in mind. I was definitely way busier than I thought I was going to be, and I made less time for my kung fu than I wanted to. But I also recognize that family time is very important and I have definitely let my connections outside of kung fu suffer a bit as I was preparing for grading so I wanted to make sure I prioritized that. I just need to be careful that I don't let this reason get twisted into a excuse. Hopefully with classes coming back tonight, that will be the push I need to make my brain realize the nebulous-time-vortex of the holiday season is actually over. 

Reading this back I guess it can be summed up by saying this past month my training has sort of felt like I was floating at sea, with waves crashing into me, and sinking under the water fighting to try to get my head up high enough to take a breath, and I'm trying to swim back to shore so that I can have something solid under my feat again. And this seems to happen every time I take any sort of break from kung fu, but it makes me recognize and acknowledge how important kung fu is to me and how much stability it provides in my life.